Yesterday was filled with such a mix of emotions. Regret and self-doubt swirled around in the pit of my stomach all morning as I prepared myself to leave for my Boudoir photoshoot. I’d also woken up at 4 am. with a horrible headache that didn’t seem to want to go away either.
I was teetering on the edge, and I knew that one wrong step would send me flying right over that edge. Thoughts of canceling consumed me all week long, to be honest. What was I thinking? I can’t do this? I’m definitely not worthy of being a part of their 50’s & Fabulous collection.
But as soon as I walked through the doors of that studio, I was made to feel as though I was unstoppable. From the manager who greeted me with so much enthusiasm and excitement for me, right down to the photographer herself, whose encouragement and direction made me feel confident and beautiful.
The photoshoot itself flew by. I let my guard down the entire time and allowed myself to feel vulnerable both in front of and behind the camera. For a brief moment, I was focused. I felt free. My body was not something I feared. I was unapologetically me and embraced my imperfections; scars, stretch marks, and all.
Self-love is a lifelong journey. It’s about embracing your vulnerabilities, loving yourself unconditionally, and honouring the person that you are, as you are. I know I need a lot more practice before I can truly even begin to conquer it. I know I need to start by showing myself more moments of grace in my everyday life, like I did yesterday, and not just once in a while.
A week from tomorrow, I have another appointment at the studio for my big photo reveal where I will get to sit down and view the entire collection of proofs taken of me during my session yesterday. The photographer did show me a sneak peak of some pictures in real time as she was taking them. I tried to look away, though, in order for me to stay focused and continue to be in the moment.
As part of my gift, I have a $750 credit towards an album. I am already feeling very anxious about seeing the proofs and finished product (which will likely take approximately 3 months to get). That journey towards loving myself wholeheartedly feels so far out of reach today.
But, I will continue to hold on tightly to the memories of yesterday and filled with pride for even allowing myself to have this amazing experience.
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YouAreEnough 