A few weeks ago, I shared a blog (https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2024/01/11/boudoir-luxury-giveaway/)
where I spoke about how, after losing both a significant and necessary amount of weight over the past 6 months (which started from a diagnosis of a stress ulcer), has now left me indulging again in many of those same dangerous tendencies I’ve battled with on and off since I first developed an eating disorder when I was 18 years old.
Most people go through life taking very little notice of their thought processes. I, however, am not most people, though.
Yesterday, it was one of my work bestie’s birthdays. My boss decided we should surprise her with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a cake, but not just any cake. A vanilla cake from Loblaws. The.Best.Cake.Ever.
We lit candles, sang happy birthday, and celebrated her. And boy, does she deserve celebrating. It was a nice distraction from the everyday grind for everyone, everyone but me that is, because all I began to focus on as this delicious cake stared me in the face was now I was going to have to eat it.
Everyone happily took a slice as I stared at the cake in fear. I felt pressure to have a piece as my mind started to spiral. I couldn’t eat it, I won’t eat it. Well, maybe if I just have a small piece, I just won’t eat supper tonight was my negotiation and thought process in the moment. That would be ok, right? So I gave into the pressure and cut myself a piece of cake.
After I ate it, the guilt got the best of me, and without any warning, I went into a full-blown panic attack. I convinced myself I was dying. My heart was pounding uncontrollably. I thought I was having a heart attack or possibly going into a diabetic coma (I don’t even have diabetes). I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt numb. I was shaking and extremely nauseous. My neurological symptoms flared up from head to toe. I wanted to run and hide as I did everything in my power to hold back tears.
My boss and the rest of my coworkers saw what was happening as much as I tried to hide it. I tried to fluff it off, but I literally couldn’t catch my breath. I was so embarrassed. I couldn’t get a grip on reality. They poured me some water before demanding I go home. But only after I promised I could actually drive.
Our minds truly are powerful tools and simply put, I guess maybe I can’t actually have my cake and eat it too.
#eatcake #birthdaycake #loblawscakesarethebest #panicattack #anxiety #eatingdisorders #mentalhealth #coworkers #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #ourmindsareapowerfultool
YouAreEnough 