I always get a mix of emotions when my Facebook memories show up today. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing all the pictures and reminiscing about one of the greatest nights of my life 12 years ago when we celebrated the B’nai Mitzvah of Jacob and Hannah with all our family and friends by our side, but still, I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness and loss when I reflect back on that night either.
I am not the same person I was back then. That person is gone forever. I don’t even recognize her beauty and confidence or her zest for life anymore. She all but vanished into thin air just 2 short years later.
I was beyond the moon happy that night, living in the moment and beaming with so much pride. My kids, legit proud of me as well.
I feel like I have fallen short of being a mom; a good mom that is, over the past 10 years. Even the slightest thought that I have failed my kids in any way fills me with so much pain and heartache. And no matter how many times I apologize to them for my shortcomings, the pain and heartache never seem to go away.
There is so much guilt that comes along with feeling so broken, yet, this very well-intentioned mom somehow continues to fight, and keep fighting every day of her life, not just for herself, but for them too. Through her fight, she is also doing her best to instill important values into these 3 beautiful humans.
She hopes they understand that although life will not always be easy or fair, they will always be honest with others, but more importantly, with themselves. She hopes they never, ever forget their self-worth, or how to love themselves first. She hopes they will always feel confident in their own skin, no matter what life throws their way. She hopes they will always treat others the way they wish to be treated, that is, with empathy, kindness, and respect. She hopes they always know that it’s okay to get angry or to be sad sometimes because all of our mixed up crazy emotions matter.
She hopes they know that we all have weaknesses but that the only thing that truly matters is the strength it takes when we choose to turn them into something positive. She hopes that they will always accept responsibility for their actions, that making mistakes does not equate to someone’s failure, that they know by serving others is where we often find the most joy in our lives, and she hopes they always remember that they deserve to be loved. That they are very loved.
If you’re a parent, it’s pretty much guaranteed that your kids will remember everything we did wrong, but I sure hope that they will also remember everything we did right too. Or at least okayish!
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YouAreEnough 