*Trigger Warning ⚠️, mention of eating disorders
This was a difficult one to write and may be difficult to read. It’s taken me several days to finish as I’m struggling a lot this week.
I was recently gifted with a “Luxury Boudoir Giveaway”. It is valued at $1500.00. Included in the giveaway is a professional hair and makeup session, a 2 hour creative portrait sitting, and a $750.00 credit towards the finished product.
Let me first start by saying that by me accepting this gift, I couldn’t get any farther out of my comfort zone, even if I tried.
Over the past many years, I have spoken about my battle with an eating disorder that started in my later teen years and carried on into my early 20’s. (https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2018/09/07/i-had-an-eating-disorder-and-it-still-weighs-me-down-everyday)
But what I have also expressed in my writing, is that even though I may have recovered initially from my battle with anorexia and bulimia in my early 20’s, it has never truly left me; it has just transformed itself in other ways throughout every stage of my life since then.
Before the onset of my eating disorder, I never had a weight issue whatsoever, or any distorted views of my body for that matter. I was confident in my own skin, and yet, somehow, something took hold of me and has never let go. My nearly 10 year battle now with depression added even more fuel to the fire when several years ago and over 20 different concoctions of antidepressant medications later, I found myself having gained close to a hundred pounds, in what felt like overnight. Once I made the decision to finally go off all medications altogether as they were causing my body and mind more harm than good and a further diagnosis of treatment resistant depression was made, half of my weight gain fell off me right away, but the other half has been a constant struggle. My struggle to lose the weight has left me, many times, indulging in those same dangerous tendencies from my teen years as I tried desperately, to no avail, to lose those unwanted pounds. I have not felt confident in my own skin for many years now. I hide behind the camera as much as possible. I want to cry every time I look at a picture taken of me. I lead with such skepticism when I’m paid any type of compliment, and when I look in the mirror, all I see is a very unlovable image staring back at me.
This past summer, I developed an ulcer (cuz I don’t have enough issues to deal with already), which my doctor said was stress related. It totally made sense at the time as I had been dealing with several personal and very stressful situations all at once. I found myself barely able to eat, and I was nauseous all day and night. I was losing weight, though. A lot of weight. Without even trying. In my heart, I knew this very rapid weight loss wasn’t healthy, but my head was telling me a very different story. By the time I finally went to see my doctor a month later, she prescribed me a medication to help alleviate the symptoms of the ulcer, but by then, other damage was already brewing.
Over twenty pounds were lost in that first month it took me to see my doctor. But that was not about to satisfy my yearning to lose more weight, and I knew I couldn’t stop there. I became fearful that once the medication started helping me (which it did) that I would gain it all back. Very quickly, I found myself resorting back to those same unhealthy yet super comforting tendencies. Purging soon became part of my daily routine, once again.
I’ve become more and more obsessed with losing more and more weight as the pounds continue to shed. I find myself limiting my food intake and stepping on a scale multiple times a day. But never satisfied, even though I have lost a significant amount of weight since the summer.
I want to learn to love myself again, the way I did all those years ago. I want to one day be able to celebrate the skin I’m in again and be able to look in a mirror and feel lovable. I want to embrace my beauty from within, feel empowered, and reignite my confidence. And I want to believe once again that I am enough just the way I am.
Boudoir photography is an experience that has helped so many women like myself discover all that and more. It’s about empowerment, developing a new found confidence, self-love, celebrating the skin you are in, and finding an appreciation for your own beauty. No matter what shape or size you are. Something we all deserve.
I have scheduled a tentative date for my Luxury Boudoir Giveaway. I know it’s way out of my comfort zone, but maybe that’s what I need right now to help me realize that I am worthy and I am enough.
“If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you.” ~ ANONYMOUS
#eatingdisorder #bulimia #anorexia #purging #boudoirluxurygiveaway #photography #Boudoir #empowerment #confidence #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #beautywithin #comfortzone #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #antidepressants #treatmentresistantdepression
YouAreEnough 