*Trigger Warning ⚠️: Discusses M.A.I.D, Suicidal Ideations
I have an appointment scheduled this afternoon at a downtown hospital with another specialist. I’m heading there now.
It’s not with a specialist who actually deals with my current condition persay, as no one seems to, but she is one of very few doctors who have agreed to meet with me in person because the treatments she performs regularly on her patients may be of service to me. My Psychiatrist felt certain that she was up for the challenge.
Since booking this appointment more than 2 months ago now I’ve hung on to a bit of hope hearing my Psychiatrist speak those words to me, leaving me feeling like this appointment could be the one!
Last week I was contacted out of the blue by a physician from the M.A.I.D (Medical Assistance in Dying) team. Since my last consultation with them several months ago, I have tried to put the idea out of my mind while I desperately continue to seek other options.
He was very respectful as I shared my story once again. He listened, took lots of notes, asked lots of questions and told me that there is no doubt in his mind that I have been living with “profound suffering” for close to 10 years now. He echoed the words of the last team member I spoke with who had told me, that although I do meet many of the criteria for M.A.I.D under its current laws, especially with all my added neurological issues I’ve been dealing with for the better part of 20 months now, I would need to be re-evaluated again in the spring when the new legislation hopefully comes into place. I already knew this from my last consultation though.
Before we wrapped up our conversation, the doctor asked me one final question which I haven’t been able to stop thinking about. There were many obvious reasons why he needed to ask it as part of his evaluation. He proceeded to say, “If I was given $500,000 tomorrow would I still want to die?”
I answered without hesitation but with a lump in my throat. I continue to live with guilt every single day that I have ruined everything and that I am a burden to my loved ones. To me, that money would be able to ease my feeling of guilt and help my family move forward without me. The truth is, did all the money in the world help Robin or Kate or Naomi or Anthony or Twitch and many more celebrities to not take their life?
Depression is not a choice or a lifestyle, it’s an illness.
Today I will keep hope alive, continue to remind myself that no matter how hard things are right now or no matter how stuck I feel, I have no other choice but to keep fighting as I enter into my appointment.
#maid #suicidalideations #anotherspecialist #keephopealive #neurological #depression #treatmentresistantdepression #pgad #illness #hangingontohope #appointment #psychiatry #youareworthy #youarenotalone #youareenough #triggerwarning
YouAreEnough 