I have a very difficult time disconnecting after work, weekends included.
Work literally consumes my mind day and night.
It’s been a huge adjustment for me having to go back to work full-time after a nearly 9 year hiatus. I certainly wasn’t prepared for it mentally, and then add to that, all my physical health struggles I’ve also been dealing with over the last 18 months, it’s left me feeling beyond exhausted and overwhelmed.
I wasn’t expecting work to be this hard, especially since I had already worked here some 15 years ago. But so much has changed in the world since then though, technology being a big one and, well, we really can’t ignore the elephant in the room; that back then I was both physically and mentally able.
I don’t leave time in my day for a lunch break as I am too busy and leaving on time at the end of my workday, well, what’s that like. I’ve been told time and time again from family and friends, and especially my therapist that whatever may feel so pressing in the moment will still be there tomorrow (or on Monday) and that when my day is done I need to shut off my computer and shut off my mind as well.
But, now, almost a year in, I have yet to allow myself the ability to do so. The guilt is consuming me. I have what feels like fifty things a day to do on my to-do-list and if I leave even one thing unfinished at the end of the day all I end up doing is spending my free time thinking about everything I am coming back in to do the next day so I may as well get it all done now!
I continue to try and train my brain to give me some grace as well as learn ways to separate my life between my workday and personal time.
I knew coming in to work this morning that my office was closing at noon today as it does before every long weekend. I made a conscious effort that no matter what felt pressing that today I was finally going to allow myself to take advantage of that perk for the first time since starting here. Noon came and went very quickly, but by 2 p.m., after dealing with an urgent matter, I shut off my computer, satisfied that I had completed enough off my to-do-list for the day and left. Still though, I felt panicked as to what Tuesday morning would look like but once I got into my car and started my drive home, the guilt drifted away and a smile filled its place instead as I began to think about what truly matters in my life and all the special plans I have going on this coming Thanksgiving weekend. A weekend that will be filled with lots of family time, love, selfcare, a very special celebration, and tons of gratitude.
Happy Thanksgiving weekend to all my Canadian friends and family. I hope it will also be filled with family, love, selfcare, celebration, and tons of gratitude, too.
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YouAreEnough 