A Win Is A Win

*Trigger Warning ⚠️ Mention of Suicide, MAID

18 months ago today I participated in a clinical research trial for Psilocybin, which most of you who follow my journey regularly are already quite well-versed on by now. 

I was hopeful once again that this treatment, although in its infant stage at the time, felt very promising. I was hopeful that it could potentially be life-altering for me. Well, it certainly was life-altering alright, but not in a good way by any means and now 18 months later I am no closer to any sort of resolution than I was on day one in April of 2022 or when several months later a Neurologist told me that a circuit broke in my brain that day and hopefully it will fix itself. 

The good news is though, that I’m pretty sure by now that the endless, unrelenting numbness, shakiness, constant tingling in my hands and feet, daily bouts of brain zaps, the overwhelming sensitivity to noise and touch, body tremors and spasms day and night, weakness in my hands and lest we not forget the very rare and incurable disorder in my nether regions better known as PGAD, all of which I incurred during the treatment, isn’t likely to kill me. 

However, knowing what I go through on a daily basis because of it, along with my mental health struggles, has only made my thoughts of suicide that much stronger over time. As many of you were also aware, I had applied to the MAID program last spring (Medical Assistance in Dying) which I was told by one of the Assessors a couple of weeks ago that my case is considered to be in the “gray zone” right now due to the fine line between mental and physical pain, even though I have explored so many avenues both mentally and physically. She has passed my file on for further assessment since talking with both my Psychiatrist and GP recently but I will likely have to wait for more information in the coming Spring. 

I feel so desperate, exhausted and hopeless that I will never live a normal life again between my struggles with treatment resistant depression and all my physical health struggles now as well. It’s affecting my livelihood, my relationships, and my day to day life. I feel torchured by my body and mind 24/7.

Some days I don’t have a clue how I’ve gotten here. Some days I feel so lost. It feels so dark some days that I can’t even see the road ahead of me to know where I’m going. I’m trying my best to stay in the moment.

Today I received a call from yet another referral at a clinic in a downtown hospital which my Psychiatrist made for me not too long ago. It gave me a glimmer of hope again. It’s the first referral in months that wasn’t immediately declined and who is willing to at least meet with me first! And the best news is, I only have to wait 2 months til my appointment. It’s a small and uncertain win, but a win is a win!

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