I’ve hit a brick wall.
I’m struggling right now trying to figure out my value in the world.
Last night we had plans to go to a concert in a local park with friends. I love taking advantage of these free summertime concerts.
Elton John and Rod Stewart were playing (ok so it wasn’t actually the real Elton and Rod; not even by a longshot!).
Our friends needed to cancel last minute.
I completely understood.
Rich happily would have still gone with me but suddenly I was overcome with so many emotions and the volume on my negative self-talk button turned up full blast.
It’s been a really shitty couple of weeks for me and the past few days have been no exception. I needed to release some of those emotions, most of which I hadn’t even shared with Rich. I didn’t know whether to scream or cry first. So I just burst.
I feel as though both my body and mind are tangled together in one gigantic ball of knots and it’s getting harder and harder to undo. I do have moments where I manage to unravel some of the knots or at least loosen them a bit but before I can catch my breath again they just tighten right back up; some even tighter than before.
Part of my sudden outburst of emotions last night had been building up since Monday afternoon when I found out that yet another referral I’d been waiting for from yet another specialist, had been declined; no explanation given. But I’m sure it would have been the same old story I’ve heard over and over again for the past 15 months now since this added nightmare of neurological issues began after participating in the Psilocybin Research Trial in April of 2022 (biggest regret of my life). Doctors simply don’t have enough understanding of my very rare condition.
I am feeling completely defeated. This was the last of my long waitlist of referrals. I haven’t a clue where we (my team of doctors) go from here and probably won’t know more until my next appointment with my Psychiatrist in August.
This one treatment had felt hopeful. I’ve done a lot of research on it and even though from what I’ve learned, it may have only been a temporary relief for me, I’d have happily welcomed any type of relief at all because over the last while, my symptoms have actually been getting progressively worse (so much for one Neurologist’s words of wisdom to me last spring when he told me that a circuit broke in my brain that day and hopefully it will fix itself).
I can’t even explain these new and worsening sensations I feel coarsing through my entire body daily. I just know that they are unbearable at times, unrelenting and causing me debilitating nausea throughout my day; so much so that I’ve dropped about 10 pounds in the last couple of weeks. It’s been a battle for me to lose weight for some time now, and I should be thrilled by it, but this is NOT the way I want to do it.
I’ve hit a brick wall this week, making me ponder the question; “So at what point is it ok to throw in the towel?”
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YouAreEnough 