*Trigger Warning ⚠️; mentions suicide
Some days feel worse than others.
I didn’t sleep last night and the physical symptoms I’ve been experiencing for more than a year now were keeping me awake. My racing thoughts took a very dark turn.
I spiraled fast, convincing myself that the symptoms I was experiencing at 2 AM were far worse than what a “normal” day looks like for me; and Dr. Google agreed!
Before leaving for work this morning, emotionally exhausted and with a horrible headache, I fell into the comfort of Rich’s warm embrace, sobbing. The overwhelm of life in general right now became too much to handle and I needed a release.
I think part of my overwhelm of life right now stems from my upcoming birthday next week. Age has never really been a thing for me. Turning 40 was no big deal. Neither was 50 in the grand scheme of my life, but as 52 quickly approaches, suddenly age feels different and scary. I’m reminded how shortly after my mother turned 52 (25 years ago) and just weeks after becoming a grandmother (Bubbie) for the first time, she suffered a near fatal heart attack which led to an emergency triple bypass within hours. She was quite young considering.
I’m struggling with the thought of turning 52 to the point where maybe I’m looking too deep into signs which my own health mimics that of my mother’s at that same age.
As someone who lives with daily suicidal ideations I can tell you how scary and messy and exhausting it is to always feel like you don’t want to be here anymore, but at the same time, too afraid to die.
#birthdayblues #scarymessy #suicidalideations #suicideawareness #physicalsymptoms #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #afraid #depression #anxiety #drgoogle #mothershealth #heartattack #circulationissues #Psilocybin #clinicaltrial #bypasssurgery #sleeplessnights
YouAreEnough 