Yesterday afternoon I went for another consult with a wig specialist. I had cancelled my original appointment with them a couple of weeks ago because, well, to be completely honest I was in a really bad headspace that weekend and had decided that nothing really mattered to me anymore and well, that of course included thoughts that I too no longer mattered either.
Click here for the highlight reel from yesterday: https://www.facebook.com/reel/1916305798762669?sfnsn=mo&s=F5x8gs&fs=e&mibextid=6AJuK9
I have still not been able to make any clear or concise decisions as to what my next steps will be and I’m still in a really bad headspace as well due to so many difficult elements of my life I’m dealing with right now. Yesterday’s consult seemed to only add to my confusion and overwhelming feelings, especially while Rich and I sat there for the better part of an hour while I tried on a variety of wigs with the lovely and well-meaning technician, listening to her rave on and on about how stunning my own hair was. Although really not helpful in my decision making process, I couldn’t really argue with her, seeing as though I’ve always felt like it’s my best feature and is one of many reasons why if I do choose to go ahead with the procedure I want to be able to donate part of my hair to a local charity just prior to it.
In case you have missed what I am talking about, click here for further details: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/03/14/hardest-decision-ever-your-thoughts-and-prayers-are-most-welcome/.
The appointment took alot out of me yesterday afternoon so instead of taking advantage of the gorgeous summer-like temperatures like I normally would have by going on a #summerofrich adventure, all I wanted to do when we were done was go home and curl up on my couch. Both my body and mind seemed to be screaming at the sentiment too because I ended up falling asleep for close to two hours which is something I rarely do.
I truly wish that someone else could make all of these very difficult decisions I have on my plate right now for me but I know that’s not possible. I’ve given myself a deadline to the end of this month though to make any final decisions after I contend with several upcoming appointments I have scheduled over the next couple of weeks including a meeting with my Psychiatrist later this week, plus my long awaited in person examination on the 28th with a specialist he had referred me to close to a year ago for some of the many neurological issues I’m still patiently waiting to “fix” themselves (even though the Doctor had basically told me during our phone consultation several months ago that he is doubtful he can help me!) and I also have a note in my calendar (for close to two months now) reminding me to follow-up with the care coordinator from M.A.I.D who had asked that I call them back in mid to late April as she was hoping that by then their “Assessors” would be all caught up from the “backlog” of “Track One” patients they’d been needing to attend to first.
In the meantime she’d asked that I please continue to keep fighting and keep building my case by consulting with any and all additional treatment options and specialists I can find which of course I have been diligently doing and which now includes a specialist who doesn’t think he will be able to help me, a Guru in San Diego, a.k.a, a sexual medicine Dr. who specializes in pgad, something that doesn’t seem to exist in Canada with the amount of research me and my care team have done over the past year but nevertheless I can’t afford to go see him anyway and then there is also this opportunity to participate in a clinical research trial for “Deep Brain Stimulation” that may or may not help relieve some of my symptoms of my unrelenting “treatment resistant depression” and debilitating anxiety disorders, but I’d need to shave my head before I will ever know.
It’s all just alot…too much in fact on most days lately. Today however is “World Semicolon Day”, a day that I’ve been commemorating for many years now and the reason why I had a tattoo permanently etched in ink on my left shoulder blade about 8 years ago which has become a symbol of hope to others in the world of mental health and a growing awareness to suicide prevention. A semicolon, which is a punctuation mark indicating a pause in a sentence, not an ending has also become a daily reminder to me that my story isn’t quite over yet. It’s symbolism is certainly never lost on me as I continue to try and fight for my life each and every single day.
Check out my blog I wrote about the significance of my semicolon tattoo: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2019/04/16/today-is-world-semicolon-day/
#worldsemicolonday #symbolism #wigs #hope #suicideawareness #treatmentresistantdepresssion #anxiety #pgad #neurological #myjourney #mystoryisntoveryet #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #youmatter #yourmentalhealthmatters
YouAreEnough 