The other morning as I was driving to work I received a very frantic and hysterical phone call from a friend. She was sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldn’t make out whatever it was she was trying to say until I was finally able to calm her down enough to get the words out.
She proceeded to tell me that over the weekend while she was out enjoying an afternoon of shopping with her daughter she discovered, by accident, that her young teen had been cutting herself and shortly thereafter found out that it had been happening, very regularly, for the last 3 years.
My heart just sank.
Cutting, or self-harming is a very serious and scary phenomenon among many pre-teens and teenagers today. It can be an extremely habit forming behaviour as well that sometimes may even begin by an outside influence like one of their peers wanting to experiment with it.
I’m sure some people reading this are thinking, why would anyone want to intentionally inflict pain on themselves?
That’s a very fair question, however, in most cases, cutting, or self-harming behaviours begin as an impulsive reaction to a sign of some much deeper emotional distress.
Cutting is often linked solely, or in part, to another mental health condition which a young person may be having difficulty navigating their way through; Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, Anxiety, Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress all round out the top 5 reasons.
For most young people who engage in such behaviours as cutting themselves or self-harming, it is not in an attempt to take their life but more so as an emotional response to pressures or overwhelming and intense feelings that they can’t control.
It’s like a rush of adrenaline is coarsing through their veins and can be very difficult to stop, especially when the distraction of the physical pain from cutting or self-harming begins to feel way more tolerable in their mind to that of their unbearable emotional pain.
Like with so many other behaviours related to mental health and addictive disorders, young people, just like adults can become very good at trying to mask their emotions or cover up their pain or wounds that it goes unnoticed by those closest to them. Sometimes it’s because they may be hesitant or too ashamed to tell someone for fear they will feel misunderstood or worry that a loved one or trusted adult will become angry or disappointed with them; or begin to judge them as well. Some however may choose to share their secret though, usually with a peer, even to go so far as to ask them not to tell anyone else which may sometimes become quite burdensome to their confidant without even realizing it.
It may also take many attempts before an individual is able to fully stop the behaviour altogether even though they may experience brief periods of time during their recovery where they do so. But seeking immediate professional help is so imperative in the success of trying to regulate and find new or more effective coping strategies to deal with the pressures or overwhelming and intense feelings that they can’t control on their own.
Although I can’t say for certain every feeling my friend is experiencing at the moment, I am certain, as you can very well imagine that she is simply beside herself with worry and fear right now which was why, without any hesitation she began taking all the necessary steps toward ensuring her daughter get the help she so desperately needs and deserves, but sadly, right alongside all her worry and fear she has also become consumed by an overwhelming sense of guilt.
As my therapist always tries to remind me, guilt is the most wasted emotion, it can become your worst enemy; I’d probably have to say it’s mine for sure, but “mom guilt” well that’s just next level! It can eat away at your core, making you feel like you’re simply just not a good enough mom. But the truth is, my friend is a great mom who is now blaming herself for what her daughter has been doing to herself, questioning every decision and parenting choice she’s ever made, feeling like she’s failed her daughter and angry at herself for not knowing the depths of, or seeing the signs to which she has been suffering over the last few years.
As a mom, seeing your child hurting emotionally can be some of the most trying experiences we will ever go through as parents. We feel helpless, especially when we can’t always protect them from the hurt or fix their pain. It’s heartbreaking. But it doesn’t mean you have failed as a mom, it just makes you human. It’s pretty simple, when our children hurt, we hurt too and all we can really do is be there for them, in the here and now, supporting them in whatever way we possibly can.
What my friend really needs right now instead of all the wasted emotions from her “mom guilt” is to be able to give herself the grace she so deserves and maybe a heaping spoonful of some good ole fashion self-compassion to go along with it while she begins to navigate her way through this next chapter in her daughter’s journey; her very brave and determined young daughter’s journey.
And I just want you to know how honoured I am for trusting in me and allowing me to be a part of your journey.
You my friend are not alone.
#cutting #selfharm #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #momguilt #ouryouthmatter #yourmentalhealthmatters #youarenotalone #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #itsoktoaskforhelp
YouAreEnough 