Inside The Life of a Chronic “People Pleaser” 

I’m not okay right now; I’m kinda really sorta more than not okay right now.


My whole world feels like it’s imploding all at once and being okay feels completely unattainable right now.


My heart feels so incredibly heavy, my spirit is tired and broken.


It’s taking everything I have in me right now to make it through another day as I desperately try and crawl my way out of this darkness. 


I feel like I can’t breathe. 


I’m not asking anyone to tell me that it’s all going to be okay right now or that everything will work itself out. That’s a whole lot of pressure and besides, no one can ever guarantee anyone of that anyway. I’d just rather you sit with me for a while and remind me that it’s okay to not be okay. 


This past week I’ve been a hot mess and it’s left me feeling like such a failure; again. I spent most of my day yesterday hiding under my covers, crying. I needed to cancel my appointment I’d scheduled a couple of weeks ago with another wig specialist because nothing mattered to me anymore. My body needed to rest and my mind most definitely needed to as well. 


I know I have a big heart. 


I love very deeply which unfortunately doesn’t always work in my favour though. 


I overthink everything.


I’ve been told that I’m way too sensitive. 


I apologize even when I’m not at fault.


I forgive others too easily.


I care too much about people who don’t give a shit about me.


I try so hard to make other people happy. 


I feel guilt over things I have no control over. 


Yes, I will be the first to admit it; I am a chronic “people pleaser”. It’s just another wonderful symptom of my depression and anxiety. 


Do you know though how much pain and suffering really comes with being a people pleaser? Do you know how much disappointment and self hate and resentment comes with it too? Do you know what kind of toll it can take on your mental, emotional and physical health if you don’t stop it? Look no further than me as a prime example! 


I’m spiraling right now and while I desperately try to leave behind a week that’s left me feeling like a hot mess and clinging to several unresolved conflicts I’m battling with in my heart right now, I enter into another new week, a week that is certain to be bound by many, many triggers for me. 


I could feel the anticipation brewing yesterday as I lay curled up in a ball, sobbing over the week that had just passed; knowing for starters that today would be exactly one year since I took part in the clinical research study for Psilocybin (yup, time flies) which ended up destroying my body to match my mind. I’ve given myself a full year now to try and heal my body but to no avail. They say that the body has the ability to heal itself but I’m still waiting for that circuit in my brain to fix itself like one of the Neurologists I saw last summer hoped it would. 


**News flash, it hasn’t even come close***


Instead I’ve just become a medical mystery.


This Tuesday also marks 9 years since my neverending battle with depression and anxiety first began. A day I play out in my mind over and over again. A day so clear in my memory, it’s as though it were yesterday. Nine years seems like a heck of a long time to be suffering as it is to others but living right in the thick of it for me actually feels more like 9 dog years. 


Besides the most obvious triggers that both April 2nd and April 4th leave me battling with this week, there are still several other triggers I am needing to contend with as well as I head into the week ahead including my job itself which I’ve come to accept is no place for someone who is a chronic “people pleaser” and the other being the start of the jewish holiday of Passover Wednesday evening where we will be spending the first 2 nights of enjoying a festive meal with many of our loved ones. Please don’t get me wrong, I love  that the jewish holidays means getting to spend time with friends and loved ones but my depressed and anxious mind often feel very differently. I become completely overwhelmed with the pressure (which I know I create most of in my own depressed and anxious mind) that I am expected to put on my “mask” in order to try and stay present in the moment. Just thinking about it as I am writing this is making me completely anxious. It’s fucking exhausting. 


I’m not okay right now, but for anyone else who may also be feeling not okay right now, just remember that it is more than okay! 


And that the good news is…it’s a short week!!!


#peoplepleaser #mentalhealth #imnotokrightnow #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #triggers #itsbeenaweek #hotmess #depression #anxiety

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma. View all posts by Kim Fluxgold