Mental Health in the Workplace

It’s been just over two months since I started my new job. For those of you who don’t know, I haven’t held a full-time job since Friday April 4th, 2014 at exactly 5pm when I ran (not walked) out of my employer’s place of business. I ran (not walked) to my car, shaken and crying. I had begun to fear for my safety weeks earlier when I started to quietly observe my boss and his partner partaking in some pretty illegal shit and on that particular day my fears turned into a nightmare, only problem was, I was wide awake during it. 

When I got to my car at 5pm I texted Rich, telling him that I wanted to kill myself before shutting off my phone. I had never experienced these types of thoughts before in my 40 something years. It was in that very moment my mental health journey first began. 

I didn’t go home that evening. How could I? I felt like I’d failed everyone. I felt purposeless. I felt like my loved ones would be better off without me and sadly, almost 9 years later I’m still feeling those exact same emotions and more.

When I started back to working full-time again a couple of months ago after such a long hiatus, whether I was ready to or not (news flash, I was not), I hoped that it would create a positive shift in my life but instead it’s done the opposite for me and has only created further overwhelm and stress on my mental and physical health as well as my personal life because my job itself is extremely overwhelming and stressful; something I never imagined it to be.

I didn’t disclose too much to my employer as to the extent of my illness upon hiring me but at the same time I also never led her to believe that I was no longer struggling with my mental health either. All she really had to do was google me to find out all she needed to know about me if she really wanted to, which from what I can gather she never did!

My resume though speaks volumes as to the journey my life has been on for many years now. It’s filled with my passion for mental health advocacy which I happily expanded upon during the interview process, including my many achievements in the more recent years having published a children’s book and my labour of love about a mother’s journey with Depression, having started a Blog which chronicles my own personal journey living with a mental illness and having created several initiatives to raise awareness and support for youth mental health.

A survey done just before the Pandemic showed that 75 percent of people in work places suffering with a mental illness do not share it with their employer or utilize many of the benefits offered from a place of employment for fear that they will look weak or for fear they will lose their job. 

Yet another tragic stat. 

I am not ashamed to share my most intimate thoughts and feelings with the world when it comes to my mental health battle which I guess is quite evident by now but I’ve also never faced being an employee with an illness that is still so stigmatized until now either and I’m struggling with just how much I share with my employer (I have spoken to her briefly about my neurological health condition as she noticed my physical issues almost immediately after I started working and had asked several times if I was okay).

Since starting work mid December my mental health has been on a steady decline as many who follow me regularly have seen through my blogging but I have perfected over time the art of smiling through my Depression in certain scenarios; work now being one of them. So when I showed up late to work one Monday afternoon a few weeks ago after sending my employer an email earlier that morning letting her know I had an appointment I’d forgotten I had scheduled late last year, I was lying. The truth was I was actually in the emergency room on a Psychiatric Form after being taken to the hospital in handcuffs the evening before by police officers which Rich had called while I was in a near psychotic mental health crisis. 

There was no way in hell she could ever find that out. All I kept thinking as I begged the nurses and doctors to let me go home was if she knew what had happened I’d be fired immediately, or if the Psychiatrist had not allowed me to go home that day what was I going to tell her? 

I am doing the best I know how to right now at work (and in life in general). I’m showing up every day and working my ass off through the constant stress and overwhelm of my position, in fact I’m actually doing a pretty damn good job, something I’ve been recognized and acknowledged for time and again thus far. If only I could believe it though. 

I know I don’t owe my boss anything more than she may or may not already know about my personal life if it’s not affecting my ability to perform my job duties as my mental health journey should not define me as an employee, or in any other aspect of my life for that matter. I know in my heart that I am so much more than my illness, but to be honest, I feel like such a fraud right now. I believe that no one should ever suffer in silence and that sharing your vulnerabilities with others is the most important thing we can do in order to feel less overwhelmed and alone but that stigma still follows us everywhere we go (I am grateful though to work with an amazing group of co-workers who I am able to share my vulnerabilities with as do they with me).

It’s been a really confusing time for me due to my mental health decline lately and the imposter syndrome I am facing at work is only adding to that decline. The feeling that I am not good enough for this job or that my boss will soon realize she hired the wrong candidate hangs over me during my work days but the other day as my boss wrapped up a meeting and her and I were alone in the room she said to me, “Can I ask you something quite personal?” Well you can only imagine where my anxiety took me to in that very moment. I had no idea where this conversation was about to go. She then took a deep breath and began to open up to me with tears in her eyes about her loved one who has been under psychiatric care at the local hospital in her area for about a month now, battling postpartum depression. She so desperately needed some advice from someone who could empathize with her on how she and other family members could better understand what her loved one is going through and how once she is released from the hospital they can better support her.

She may not know the depth of my suffering but in that very moment it didn’t matter to her. She trusted me enough to share something so raw and personal. She made me realize my value and purpose and made it ok for me to know that if I ever need to come to her at any point in time when I’m feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable that I don’t need to hide behind my mask; it felt like a big relief for me going forward.

I am planning on gifting her loved one a signed copy of my book this week to share with her family when she is back home (she also has another child as well) and to remind her that she too is enough (btw, my boss read my book a few weeks ago).

P.S. I pray that one day we can get to a place where every place of employment will begin to offer proper training on mental health to both their employees and employers along with regular wellness checks and team building seminars. 

#workplacementalhealth #mentalhealth #youareenough #depression #anxiety #suicidalideations #postpartumdepression #wheredidmommyssmilego #author #blogger #mentalhealthadvocate #impostersyndrome #wellnesschecks #endthestigmatogether #vulnerabilities #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #startaconversation